Archive for January, 2013


(somewhat imagined) wildlife warrior

I should preface this post with the admission that I have a lot of free time on my hands. And in possession of an iPhone, this has resulted in the ratio of actual phone time (i.e., calling and/or messaging), to playing (somewhat) stupid (yet fun) games significantly in favour of the latter. Really, my iPhone is not really a phone; it is a phone masquerading as a portable game console which occasionally alerts me that it is Cheap Tuesdays at Blockbuster.

As such, while browsing new apps to download I have developed a certain tendency (read: become addicted), to playing particular games daily. Even against randoms who are probably in their tweens.

Confession (though I am not sure I am alone in this one considering the number of Facebook friends I have who are currently beating me on the leaderboard), I quite enjoy Bejewelled Blitz. You know, the jewel swapping game where you make connections of three of more (five gives you the ultimate take-out cube thingo) gems. I’m not sure, but I think this is because if I am feeling underappreciated, I get some kind of instant gratification. ‘SUPER!’ and ‘INCREDIBLE!’ are along the lines of what the Bejewelled Blitz man tells me. Too right. I just swapped four purple jewels together. Therefore I am awesome. Do I want a bonus gem boost because I am so awesome? OF COURSE!

On the other hand, I have got this game called Panda Jam. This was on recommendation from my sister who has apparently also become frustrated (despite being several (and by several I mean basically at the end) islands (apparently pandas live on islands ranging from volcanic to icy) ahead of me) and stopped playing. What is this Panda Jam? Luckily for baby pandas, not something which you would spread on toast.

It involves baby pandas who sit on coloured bricks while their mother stands at the bottom, unable to save them herself – why? I do not know, can’t pandas climb things? – therefore enlisting you to save them. From the evil baboon thing who apparently wants to un-save (I’m not entirely sure if he wants them dead, or just stuck on top of said coloured bricks) baby pandas by adding extra rows of bricks sending – hopefully un-vertigo-suffering pandas – higher.

Here is a screen shot to give some idea of what I am talking about.

To save the baby pandas you need to make brick connections of three or more so they can drop safely to the ground. When baby pandas are saved, mother panda has a big happy panda smile and assumingly is off to feed baby pandas some bamboo before their next unfortunate climbing adventure.

If you do not save baby pandas in a certain number of moves, then baboon monkey rubs his hands in glee, smiling in that baboon way (much like that monkey in the Lion King (though he was friendlier and wiser, and had nothing to do with any pandas btw)) saying ‘You have run out of moves! Plan your every move!’. Though, with the evil grin and Mr Burns-ish hand-rubbing I imagine he is laughing at my stupidity. Not even behind my back – in my face, how rude.

This game started out being fun. I saved some pandas, somehow linked the idea of saving pandas to the World Wildlife Fund due to their symbol, and was pleased I was doing some wildlife work (yes it’s all connected…)

But then we get to the point where my panda-saving abilities are becoming less successful. Where did these frozen blocks come from which you have to unfreeze before you can clear them – even on the apparently misleadingly named ‘Volcano Island’?? AND HOW did evil baboon monkey find the time to develop this new ‘spell’ where he can tornado up a storm and shift the baby pandas when he thinks you’re about to win? The sneaky bugga. That baby panda was almost returned to its mother! Damn you, baboon. (Side point: you know you’re never going to save baby pandas when the baboon can’t even be bothered tornado-ing them around to elude you – this has happened to me several (read: frequently) times and left me rather disheartened).

An unfortunate side-effect of this has been my questioning aloud the involved parties – the baboon, the mother panda, the baby pandas (or my own mother if she is in ear-shot).

Baboon, what’s up with the hatred against baby pandas? What have they done to you?

Mother panda, why did you not teach your pandas to climb coloured blocks? How did they get up there to begin with? Look, mother panda I rescued one of your baby pandas, doesn’t China have a one panda policy?

Baby Pandas do you not want to be rescued? Didn’t you learn your lesson? I can’t see you anymore! Come back, baby panda! Noooo, fine sit up there then.

And furthermore: are pandas and baboons even from the same place? Why the pandas? Do baboons eat pandas? Are there pandas still in the wild? I thought they were only in zoos. Do pandas live on islands? Can one panda have that many babies?

After each unsuccessful save I lose one heart (a life) which will only be restored in half an hour. Half an hour of what? Dead pandas? I’m not sure. But at this rate, it appears perhaps I am no wildlife warrior…


January 2013
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